I’ve been thinking about forgetting things, I’m on a medication that makes me forget what my toothbrush is, if I’ve flushed the toilet, what I came to do downstairs, I want to call out to one of my friend but I’ll run through many names before getting to hers. It’s funny on good days, less so on long days. It’s not everyday and it’s not SO bad, but it’s there. I don’t know if it’s the medication’s effect or the seizures’ effect (is it forever then?) but I have some memories I really wish I could access but can’t. How I met my current best friends, what was my relationship with this girl in school before we became actual buddies, how come school let me do 2 subjects at 17 (instead of 3) – how did I ask for it, how did they reply?
I believe every experience shapes me somehow, but here I am, with experiences missing. I feel hole-y. Then I think about people who have Amnesia, it has picked my interest. I’m going to try and read into it. How are you you when you don’t remember who you are? I’m only missing bits and pieces but it still affects me. It actually affects too much, on those days where I overthink everything, I feel so powerless and upset at not remembering past events, I feel like it’s so important and something bad is going to happen or something is going to get ruined or something and I have to remember.
But I don’t. I am me, my past experiences have shaped me. Hopefully I’ve learnt from those experiences, I’ve extracted the lessons from those events and that’s what actually matters right?
I’m a stickler for details… and I like to have all my stuff backed up by evidence and such (scientific mind?) So if the lesson was “don’t let nobody slap you in the face”, I want to remember what caused that thought/value/belief. So that if I need to use it, to teach someone, to explain it to someone, I can back up my point.
But it’s ok! Some things become you, and you don’t need to remember a specific event to know it’s a good piece of advice, or I can find a current example around me. (That doesn’t really fully convince me, but I’m trying to accept it.)
At the end of the day, however much advice I’m going to give, it’ll only get through to the other person when they’re ready for it. I’ve experienced it first hand, I was throwing this particular advice at people a few times and only when I was in a situation where I needed this advice did it feel renewed and real again. It works! I have to keep believing, trust my past self even if I don’t remember.
I was suggested a book called The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat by Oliver Sacks. I need check that out.
And talking about forgetting, I have been given this new medication, Ive wanted to change epilepsy medication because of the memory effect is has had but I haven’t gotten round to it yet. Im a bit scared to change, side effects are real and scary. I’ll get round to it, when I put on some weight so if I get sick again, I won’t turn invisible.
And because I don’t like finishing on anything negative, here’s some cuteness